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My partner (38) and I (34) have been together for 3 years, living together for 2. We have a very physically affectionate relationship, a pretty solid sex life (though we did have to work at it a little bit). Recently, though, he’s been working different hours that have him waking up earlier and he’s mentioned that my snoring is keeping him up some nights. The other day, he asked me how I would feel if he crashed in our guest room on nights when it gets particularly bad.
I was so embarrassed. I didn’t even know that I snored, let alone that it was loud enough to keep him up. I hate the thought that he was sitting beside me losing sleep and I didn’t realize. He reassured me that this isn’t an every night thing — but I’m scared we’ll end up one of those couples that sleeps separately until they eventually stop “sleeping together” at all. Plus, there’s something really unsexy to me about driving him from bed with my chainsaw snores.
And more than anything, I don’t want to lose what we have. I love the extra time we’ve always had to hold each other at night and in the mornings and the chance to talk about our days. It’s my favorite part of every day. But I don’t want to shoot down what my friends are calling a ‘reasonable compromise’ with someone I love either.
Is this something we should try or are we setting ourselves up for heartbreak and a dead bedroom?”
Reluctant Sleep Divorcée
Dear Reluctant,
While snoring is a health condition that you shouldn’t ignore (your sleep matters too!), my heart breaks at the idea of anyone internalizing it as a sign that they’re less sexy, desirable or lovable — or that trying out this new arrangement is at odds with being the devoted partners you’ve always been to one another.
Human bodies are funky noise (and smell) factories, and it’s a healthy sign of intimacy and maturity for couples to give each other some grace about it. There’s no amount of honk-shoo, snore-mimimi or “chainsaw” noises that can undo a strong, loving foundation.
That said, it makes sense that the intimacy of sharing a bed with your partner is something you love, and it can be hard or even scary to imagine what “losing” that intimacy could feel like.
What Is A ‘Sleep Divorce’ — And Should You Try It?
The kind of arrangement you’re describing has been given the cutesy nickname “sleep divorce” in recent years — with celebs from Carson Daly to Cameron Diaz extolling the virtues of catching solo z’s or having your own separate sleeping space. There’s even been a little plot shout-out to the practice on the internet’s favorite least-favorite show ”...And Just Like That.” (But maybe don’t use the latter to guide your decisions.)
A sleep divorce isn’t really as scary as it sounds. It’s simply an arrangement between two people where they opt to sleep separately. Sometimes it’s just utilizing the couch or a guest room, and some couples go as far as creating separate bedroom spaces entirely. But it’s often for reasons just like yours: Partners who both need sleep, but might need different conditions.
“A strong relationship is built on intention, not just proximity. Also, well-rested partners are often more patient, more emotionally available and more engaged with each other.”
- Ciara Bogdanovic, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy
“Sleep divorces often occur for practical reasons. For instance, two people may have different schedules, and it’s disruptive to one person for the other to wake up before them or go to bed after them,” Suzannah Weiss, a marriage, family therapist and resident sexologist for Biird, told HuffPost. “Or, one person might be a light sleeper and be woken up by the other’s snoring. Or one person might prefer to sleep in a completely dark room, while the other wakes up more easily when the sun peeks in in the morning.”
The decision to have one is overwhelmingly a neutral one — even if it comes with a little bit of baggage or anxiety that you have to work through.
“This can feel like a big shift, especially if one partner initiates the change. Prioritizing quality sleep doesn’t mean sacrificing intimacy or emotional closeness,” Ciara Bogdanovic, owner and founder at Sagebrush Psychotherapy, told HuffPost. “A strong relationship is built on intention, not just proximity. Also, well-rested partners are often more patient, more emotionally available and more engaged with each other.”
You’re On The Same Team. So Keep Talking It Out.
“Prioritizing good sleep sets your relationship up for success,” Bogdanovic said. “As long as the couple approaches this arrangement with mutual respect and clear communication, it is a healthy choice.”
You want your partner to be well-rested, and you also want to stay intimate and close as a couple. These don’t have to be adversarial goals. And you’re already on the right path by having a partner who felt secure enough to come to you and share what isn’t working for them.
Think about it: In a less communicative dynamic, there could easily be more unsaid words and hurt feelings. Being willing to overcome the discomfort and ask your partner, “Hey, how can we solve this hard thing together?” is a major green flag and a sign of a good foundation.
“If one person really needs the sleep divorce for health reasons (e.g. they’re not getting enough sleep in the same bed as their partner), the other should be understanding and know that there are biological reasons why some people don’t sleep well next to others,” Weiss said.
Weiss also notes that it’s important for the partner who is proposing the sleep divorce to be clear about their reasons to avoid misunderstandings: ”Because sleeping in separate beds is unfortunately associated with being mad at each other or breaking up, you may need to make it clear to each other that this is not what’s happening.”
But the real threat of a sleep divorce? Hidden hostility and unshared feelings.
“If you do feel yourself getting annoyed with your partner because you are around each other all the time (including when you sleep), take accountability for your feelings of frustration and make sure your partner knows that you are not really mad at them; you just need more space,” Weiss said.
“If you are afraid that the sleep divorce signals that you are drifting apart, talk to your partner about that,” she added. “A conversation can help you figure out if that is really the case — and work through the underlying issues — or if that’s just a fear of yours (in which case they can offer reassurance).”
I’d also say you can share your own feelings of self-consciousness over your snoring, too. If it’s a sensitive subject for you, I’m sure your partner will want to be there to reassure you about it.
Reclaim Your Rituals.
Still, there’s a good chance that removing the co-sleeping might mean needing to reimagine what intimacy looks like.
In relationships, as Weiss noted, we all have our rituals: the small acts that turn the two of you into an “us.” For some people, it’s daily “good morning” texts or cooking dinner together, and for others, it’s a cuddle, a debrief before bed or a kiss at the door when you come home. If you can learn to name them and express what they mean to you, it can also help you and your partner understand each other more.
“One way to ensure that neither of you feels rejected or abandoned is by having a bedtime ritual,” Weiss said. “You can take turns tucking each other in, brush your teeth together, or just make sure to kiss each other goodnight. You can also make a point to hug and/or kiss when you get up in the morning.”
“If you are afraid that the sleep divorce signals that you are drifting apart, talk to your partner about that. A conversation can help you figure out if that is really the case — and work through the underlying issues — or if that’s just a fear of yours (in which case they can offer reassurance).”
- Suzannah Weiss, family therapist and resident sexologist for Biird
Another idea Weiss suggested (that’s actually so cute?) is to consider planning special “sleepovers” on the nights where your partner doesn’t have work and where there’s opportunities for you to cuddle up and fall asleep together. Making a dedicated plan helps to show that you’re still prioritizing each other and even gives you something sweet to look forward to during the week (the same can be said for scheduling sex, TBH.)
“You can also plan a date night where you’ll go out, then have fun in the bedroom and fall asleep next to each other; make it sexy,” Weiss said. “If your sleep quality is not as good when you sleep in the same bed, you can plan these nights for weekends when you have nothing to do the next day. Putting it on your calendar gives you something to look forward to and helps you both to rest assured that your connection is still strong and free from hostility.”
And don’t forget to keep the lines of communication open and check-in often as you give this arrangement a go!
Here’s How To Keep It Sexy, Snores And All.
The anxiety that separate beds yield dead bedrooms isn’t an uncommon one. But it’s also nowhere near an inevitability.
“Physical intimacy doesn’t have to fade just because you’re no longer sleeping in the same bed,” Bogdanovic said. “In fact, focusing on your sex life outside of the bedroom can increase desire and emotional connection.”
Some of the best, most fulfilling sexual encounters can come from breaking out of the box of what has become routine or normal.
If your sex life has been primarily something that goes down after you’ve gone to bed, this could be a real opportunity to reimagine what your sex life can be when you throw out the rulebook. Take the opportunity to get creative and curious!
“Sex doesn’t have to be tied to sleep. Build desire outside of the bedroom. Be flirty and build sexual energy. Examples include being touchy, teasing, compliments or sending sexy photos,” Bogdanovic adds. “Keeping sexual energy alive outside of the bedroom helps couples stay connected, desired and emotionally attuned. It shifts sex from something that just happens to something you prioritize.”