Thanks to the internet, people can now walk into a first date armed with a full dossier on their potential new love interest.
The problem with that approach is it’s extremely creepy.
At the same time, no one should enter a first date with a blank slate. For safety’s sake, it’s always a good idea to do some research beforehand, especially if you’re a woman: “The unfortunate reality is that people who identify as women are at more risk of physical harm when meeting someone for a date,” observed relationship coach Rachel Kahoopii. “This is even more true for folks who are transgender.”
How much research on your date is too much, though? Sure, we want — and deserve — to be safe when meeting someone new. But how do we walk this fine line of protecting ourselves while also allowing a relationship to grow organically?
Most dating and relationship experts agree that the “less is more” tactic is the way to go here. Conduct enough research so that you feel safe attending the first date, but don’t go too far down the rabbit hole investigating your date’s past. That’s a one-way ticket to awkwardsville.
“I think not doing any cyberstalking at all is too little,” said Julie Nguyen, a Los Angeles-based certified dating coach with the dating app Hily. “Everyone has a digital footprint, and checking out a few of their profiles helps make sure they are who they say they are, especially for women going on a date. This enables you to feel less like you’re walking into the unknown and also helps you feel more confident about your match.”
Read on for more of our experts’ advice on how to determine the right amount of pre-first-date research.
Sensible ‘Cyberstalking’ vs. Overkill
A reasonable approach would be “verifying what you already know about [the potential date] (e.g. they work where they say they do),” said Jaydi Samuels Kuba, CEO of LJMatchmaking and author of the book ”Your Last First Date: Secrets from a Hollywood Matchmaker.”
“A little curiosity is normal, and I think it can be smart when done lightly,” Nguyen said about gaming out your research. “I always recommend doing enough to feel safe and feel out more of their energy. That can look like scrolling through their LinkedIn and Instagram, maybe checking out a mutual friend or two.”
As long as you can corroborate that your upcoming date is who they say they are, there are no red flags just yet.
But if you’re doing things like running a paid background check, combing their social media profiles for conversation topics or doing deep dives into their past? Now you’re entering overkill territory. And that can harm your relationship before it even begins.
“[Research] becomes too much when you find yourself five years deep into their ex’s tagged photos or listening to their Spotify playlists they made in college,” said Nguyen. “When the investigation turns into getting overly attached by delving too deeply into their past, it can create too many expectations and overly inflate your perception of them.”
How To Creep Your Date (Productively)
Since you’re inevitably going to do some investigation before the first date, just make sure you do so with intention. Ideally, you want to verify their identity.
Samuels Kuba suggested starting with their social media: See if your date has at least one social media account, and if so, “do they have a reasonable amount of friends/followers, and does it go far enough back to feel authentic?” Samuels Kuba acknowledged, however, that not everyone has social media. If that’s the case, check if you have any mutual friends who can speak to your date’s character.
Check For Red Flags
“If your gut is telling you something is off, or they sound too good to be true, consider a phone call or virtual date, such as on Zoom, with them first,” Samuels Kuba said. “Get a feel for what they are really like before agreeing to see them in person.”
But a little bit of cyberstalking can also save you a lot of long-term heartache, specifically when it comes to identifying red flags. Kahoopii offers the following online research tips:
- Google their name to ensure they are who they say they are. Look at all of their social profiles and reverse image search their photos.
- It can be a red flag if someone doesn’t have an online footprint. Even people who don’t like social media typically have a LinkedIn profile.
- Check for extremist views, angry comments and shared memes that are overtly violent. This is less about being compatible with someone’s viewpoints and more about emotional maturity and comfort with violence.
A small amount of cyberstalking might also highlight green flags, which can assuage predate jitters.
You’re likely in a good position for that first date if their “interests are consistent across all of their social media pages,” Nguyen said. Social media photos, she said, can also confirm your date’s “niche hobby” and if they are indeed “close with their friends.”
Now Actually Go On The Date
The whole point of a first date is to get to know each other, so “don’t spoil the process by over-preparing!” advised Kahoopii. Remember that “a first date isn’t a job interview where you need to demonstrate that you did your research about the company in order to be taken seriously.”
As for conversation topics, “I’d say to do zero prep work beyond what you already know about them or what they make available to you,” Samuels Kuba said. “If you’re struggling with what to talk to them about, and it’s only a first date, that’s likely a sign that you don’t have a strong enough connection with them. First dates should feel light — and not forced. If you have hobbies and interests, or values, in common, this will all come up naturally.”
A first date is an opportunity to demonstrate your listening skills, so instead of showing off your exemplary research abilities, Kahoopii recommended bringing “your attention and awareness,” because “good connection and conversation come from being present.”
“[On a first date], it’s important to have mystery,” said Nguyen. “Knowing just enough without their entire life story allows you to be present so you can dig deeper.” But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take a proactive stance: “Share the stories that matter to you, and ask open-ended questions to peel back the layers,” Nguyen added.
“As long as you are meeting someone in a safe, public location, and you do not plan to go home with them afterward, try to leave as much as you can for the date itself,” Samuels Kuba said. Still, it’s understandable if you are nervous about what questions to ask, so here are a couple of resources, courtesy Samuels Kuba, that can help you prep a few fun queries for your date:
- “The Book of Beautiful Questions: The Powerful Questions that Will Help You Decide, Create, Connect and Lead” by “questionologist” Warren Berger
- Psychologist Arthur Aron’s 36 questions (featured in The New York Times)
It’s natural to turn our first-date “elevator pitch” into a listing of our achievements, but remember that’s only one facet of who we are.
“We often conflate someone knowing us with them knowing our histories and our accomplishments,” Kahoopii said. “But who we are is revealed in the spontaneous moments we share on a date. Talk about your thoughts and feelings, not your resume — and ask for theirs! This is how you fall in love.”